Everyday, I am grateful for what life I have left. As much as I miss Aviana, I have to try always to live fully. Aviana had 7 years. I have no excuse to waste my life. When she was here, I would try to be fully aware of every inch of my moving body - all because she was barely able. Either way, here or not, I'm conscious of her throughout my every day.
Each comes with its own duality. When she was here, she was a visual representation of all we could, and she couldn't. She pushed me harder and further in every way. As her sweet eyes met mine, I would sometimes catch myself crying though. She had a knowing look at certain times, like when I was using my hands and arms to pet or throw the ball for Kama. I had to always push through and know that despite the difficulty, and in the grand scheme of everything, she was a physical lesson in using our lives for the betterment of ourselves, and maybe even others.
Now that she's gone, the same holds true. Most times and days I'm happy. I enjoy most every part of my day. I want to see, do, and experience so much of what this life has to offer. I am grateful for peace, perspective, and faith. I thank Aviana every day. But sometimes in the mix of experiences and thank yous, I'm overcome by the reason for this great gain. My mind skids off into the trade off. The loss. I once again have to push through, get back on track, and remind myself of how all those feelings are useless. Soon enough, I'm back to thinking about the gain, and how Aviana was carefully and meticulously placed on this earth, and into our family. She was here to help, to guide, and to love us. And we - we were blessed to know her, and love her - even if only for a short time.
Everyday - I thank God - for so much. I thank God for Aviana. I thank God for allowing us to come through the way we did. I really thank God for knowing what was best for us, despite what we thought.
I don't know if you remember, but the moment we decided to continue on I floated a silent, yet vehement prayer in a dimly lit hospital hallway, "Please God, please. All I ask is that you let her have some sort of recovery. If not, please take her now. Whatever you do, don't leave her like this!" We then traveled. And worked. It just wasn't to be. And for a moment, I was pissed. You could often find me shaking my fists at God and saying (to you and whomever else would listen), "how could you do this? How could you leave a little girl a few notches above death? Unable to do anything for herself? Why couldn't you just take her on the street that day? How cruel to leave her like this, especially after who she was before!! Is this a sick joke?"
This lifelong pray-er stopped for a while. I knew deep down I was acting out and really just plain sad over our whole circumstance, mostly because it all just didn't feel right. I knew God was still good.
Regardless, I remember a new artist came out with a song. I immediately posted it here because it took my breath away and perfectly captured the way I'd previously felt and how my mom currently was. At the time, I couldn't listen without crying through the entire song.
We soon adjusted and accepted our newest situation and carried on. I have since listened to the song many times as it comes up randomly. I'm amazed because his words played out so perfectly in my life. I knew what was coming, and what I would need. I knew what I was capable of and asked anyway. I was provided for in every way possible and through the hardest times with Aviana. I'm still provided and protected over. I have held true to my promise and thank God multiple times a day - not because I have to, but because I want to.
I've learned to let go and trust. I used to look at life in smaller snapshots instead of the bigger picture. We were given a life. I definitely learned it's not always going to go our way, and sometimes it's going to be downright devastating. Sometimes people may wrong you, bad things may have happened in the past. You won't find me using the word unfair, but I will use it for this purpose only - sometimes you may look around and life will be unfair - but oh well, life isn't fair. It wasn't promised to be. That's the way it goes. Someone always has it worse - always. There's always something to be grateful and thankful for though. There's beauty everywhere. Sometimes because of what's happening you may have to look harder, and sometimes it comes more easily. But it's always there.
One of my very favorites...
"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so let us all be thankful."
We will miss Aviana everyday for the rest of our lives. I can't count how many times we collectively think about her a day. What sometimes fascinates me most is how for a few years we wished she would've died on the street that day instead of having to go through all of this. In retrospect, I find it interesting how we're all in agreement - if it had to be, and we could choose, this is how we would have wished for our journey to have gone.
It unfolded as it was supposed to, and in its perfect time...all the way down the very last day and moment. I wouldn't trade one single second for anything, because in each and every, I trust that Aviana was accomplishing her life's purpose.