Tuesday, June 17, 2014

A Beautiful Life

I have been given much. Sometimes it's exactly what I want, sometimes not at all. Sometimes I understand, sometimes not at all. I realize I don't need to, and I'm finally okay with that.

Everyday, I am grateful for what life I have left. As much as I miss Aviana, I have to try always to live fully. Aviana had 7 years. I have no excuse to waste my life. When she was here, I would try to be fully aware of every inch of my moving body - all because she was barely able. Either way, here or not, I'm conscious of her throughout my every day.

Each comes with its own duality. When she was here, she was a visual representation of all we could, and she couldn't. She pushed me harder and further in every way. As her sweet eyes met mine, I would sometimes catch myself crying though. She had a knowing look at certain times, like when I was using my hands and arms to pet or throw the ball for Kama. I had to always push through and know that despite the difficulty, and in the grand scheme of everything, she was a physical lesson in using our lives for the betterment of ourselves, and maybe even others.

Now that she's gone, the same holds true. Most times and days I'm happy. I enjoy most every part of my day. I want to see, do, and experience so much of what this life has to offer. I am grateful for peace, perspective, and faith. I thank Aviana every day. But sometimes in the mix of experiences and thank yous, I'm overcome by the reason for this great gain. My mind skids off into the trade off. The loss. I once again have to push through, get back on track, and remind myself of how all those feelings are useless. Soon enough, I'm back to thinking about the gain, and how Aviana was carefully and meticulously placed on this earth, and into our family. She was here to help, to guide, and to love us. And we - we were blessed to know her, and love her - even if only for a short time. 

Everyday - I thank God - for so much. I thank God for Aviana. I thank God for allowing us to come through the way we did. I really thank God for knowing what was best for us, despite what we thought

I don't know if you remember, but the moment we decided to continue on I floated a silent, yet vehement prayer in a dimly lit hospital hallway, "Please God, please. All I ask is that you let her have some sort of recovery. If not, please take her now. Whatever you do, don't leave her like this!" We then traveled. And worked. It just wasn't to be. And for a moment, I was pissed. You could often find me shaking my fists at God and saying (to you and whomever else would listen), "how could you do this? How could you leave a little girl a few notches above death? Unable to do anything for herself? Why couldn't you just take her on the street that day? How cruel to leave her like this, especially after who she was before!! Is this a sick joke?"

This lifelong pray-er stopped for a while. I knew deep down I was acting out and really just plain sad over our whole circumstance, mostly because it all just didn't feel right. I knew God was still good.

Regardless, I remember a new artist came out with a song. I immediately posted it here because it took my breath away and perfectly captured the way I'd previously felt and how my mom currently was. At the time, I couldn't listen without crying through the entire song

We soon adjusted and accepted our newest situation and carried on. I have since listened to the song many times as it comes up randomly. I'm amazed because his words played out so perfectly in my life. I knew what was coming, and what I would need. I knew what I was capable of and asked anyway. I was provided for in every way possible and through the hardest times with Aviana. I'm still provided and protected over. I have held true to my promise and thank God multiple times a day - not because I have to, but because I want to.

I've learned to let go and trust. I used to look at life in smaller snapshots instead of the bigger picture. We were given a life. I definitely learned it's not always going to go our way, and sometimes it's going to be downright devastating. Sometimes people may wrong you, bad things may have happened in the past. You won't find me using the word unfair, but I will use it for this purpose only - sometimes you may look around and life will be unfair - but oh well, life isn't fair. It wasn't promised to be. That's the way it goes. Someone always has it worse - always. There's always something to be grateful and thankful for though. There's beauty everywhere. Sometimes because of what's happening you may have to look harder, and sometimes it comes more easily. But it's always there.



One of my very favorites...

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so let us all be thankful."

Buddha

We will miss Aviana everyday for the rest of our lives. I can't count how many times we collectively think about her a day.  What sometimes fascinates me most is how for a few years we wished she would've died on the street that day instead of having to go through all of this. In retrospect, I find it interesting how we're all in agreement - if it had to be, and we could choose, this is how we would have wished for our journey to have gone.

It unfolded as it was supposed to, and in its perfect time...all the way down the very last day and moment. I wouldn't trade one single second for anything, because in each and every, I trust that Aviana was accomplishing her life's purpose. 

8 comments:

  1. How beautiful. You sound like Beya and vice versa. She will refuse the comparison, saying you have so much grace etc..... But I'm so fortunate to have two such amazing, peaceful, beautiful women in my life. I hate the word lucky so I say fortunate.

    I used to be shaking my fist, oh how I shook my fist. I even threw my Bible across the room, more than once, while sissy was sick and after she died. Can you get any more childish than that!?!? I don't think so. You are so articulate and write of your beliefs so beautifully. I'm so thankful for you in my life. I wish we hadn't have had to meet but we were not in control of the circumstances but I'm forever grateful to have met you and to be gifted by Aviana and your family. She is in our thoughts daily, forever. She taught us as have you.

    I love you. Did you get to write this poetic post on your brand new computer? How fun!

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    1. Thank you Cameo! I too don't like the word lucky, but never know what to put in it's place...thanks to you, now I do : )

      I am fortunate to have all of you in my life. So very fortunate.

      Oh honey, the computer saga. It continues and in the craziest way possible. I should send you a picture from Thursday. I asked AppleCare if there is a prize for the person who logs the most hours with them...because that would be ME! I have been MIA, down and out, disconnected for mostly that reason, but also a few others, Google, baking, cooking to calm the computer tech mind down and some other possibly exciting stuff I'll have to fill you in on : )

      I miss my Cams!!

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  2. I wish you knew how much your posts mean to me. I sit here and nod my head up & down in agreement, relating to what you say. Too many sentences to quote and say "me, too". I think you should consider being a life coach. I would so totally hire you. You have such a positive attitude. I mean genuinely positive. I crack jokes & such but really sometimes it's a protective mechanism to hide my depression & anxieties. I hope to work through my issues one of these days or who am I kidding years :-) Buddha is right though, I didn't die today so that means I have another day to keep on trucking. Like you said, Aviana accomplished her life's purpose. That is what I pray for me, that I accomplish my life's purpose. If I can do that then my life and all in it will have been worth it.

    That you for sharing the Kip Moore song. I had never heard it before which is such a shame. I wish it got airplay; many people could benefit from hearing it.

    Love ya'll!

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    1. Wow Channe, thank you so very much! I so appreciate everything you said.

      I wonder if you realize just how much you are working through your 'stuff' By acknowledging - to yourself, publicly in a comments section, and now especially on your blog too - you ARE working through everything, not hoping to! No matter how small, we are moving in a forward motion. I too am trying to carve out and fill the entire space where Aviana previously was. It's not easy, and can feel overwhelming at times, but I too go easy on and remind myself that I am moving in a positive direction even when it doesn't feel that way sometimes. Sometimes I feel stagnant as far as that goes.

      We are girl. We are!

      I admire you so very much Channe!

      I too have been off the grid...literally. I have been battling computer issues since May 31st. and still am. Hours and hours of this and that. I can finally see the finish line and can't wait to catch up.

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  3. I had that same discussion with God during the first few days after Audriana's accident. Not knowing if she'd survive or not, I asked God to please not leave her here with us if she was only in a vegetative state, not able to move or do things for herself. I remember telling God that if she were unable to walk, I could deal with a wheelchair. If she were unable to talk, I could deal with sign language. But I had to have "her" still be with us. I needed her to be able to smile, to laugh, to do some things for herself, to be able to communicate with us. I asked for these things, and that is what I got. And I am thankful for that. So grateful. But you know what's crazy is that sometimes I wish I would have asked God for more; to make sure both arms work, and both eyes work, and both legs work, and that she doesn't suffer any learning disabilities....I mean, I wish I had aimed higher with my prayers, you know? Because she struggles with so much, and it's painful as a mother to see this. Maybe I should have asked for a FULL recovery. You know, I never ever asked for a full recovery. It's almost like I didn't dare be "greedy" with my prayers. Sometimes when I watch her struggle with something, or I see that she's sad about one of her limitations, I get mad at myself for not asking God for more, on her behalf. I think if she knew my prayers back then, she would tell me, "Mom! That's all you asked for? Why not ask for me not to limp when I walk, or for my right arm to work, or for my eyes to be able to converge their vision? or maybe you could have asked God to be sure that I can drive a car one day. Why didn't you just ask Him to heal me completely?" What would I say to that? "I'm sorry, Audriana. I didn't think to ask for that."

    And I guess that sounds petty when I say this on your blog, after you lost your little girl...Aviana was so hurt, so much worse than Audriana...and yet I'm not satisfied with my daughter's recovery? I've been told by a few people that I should "just" be thankful that she recovered all that she did - how dare I ask or want for more, right? But here's the thing: how can a parent not want 100% recovery for their child? How can a parent not want and yearn for the original child that they had, before the brain injury? Does wanting this make us ungrateful? I don't think so.

    Anyway.

    I love what you write. You explain things so very clearly. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the blog. I know they help and inspire many people, including me!

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    1. It's the strangest thing Trina. You are the only person whose comments I don't receive. My mom had to tell me about your comment?! She said, "I agree with Trina. She's right." I had no idea what she was talking about : / She told me I better go back in and read!

      I completely agree too. There were many times when I thought - if she could just this____ I would be fine and great! But in the back of my head, I always wondered if it would ever truly be enough? There's always that shadow, that mirror image. The one we knew. And yes, I didn't ask for enough either...not at all. I wonder why that is? I suppose it's natural. I suppose we are in survival mode, and at that dire point - just begging for something, anything. Trying not to be greedy. I guess that's the time to be greedy. The time to get it all. It's not my personality. It's not my make up. I see people do it, ask for it all. I get squeamish. I should have as well.

      But you know...if I really think about it, I don't believe it would have made a difference. I just think what was going to be, was going to be - no matter what I asked for. But who really knows. I sure don't.

      And you know you can always say whatever you want on this blog. It's not petty, and what you say will never be seen or felt as how dare you. I always want to hear all you have to say and feel. I'm sure I may feel the same. Who knows. But I love to hear what others feel and are going through.

      Love you and that family of yours!!

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  4. Such a beautifully written and heartfelt post.
    XOXO
    Dixie

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