By nature and at first, we were physically looking everywhere for Aviana. It was one sort of void when she was loud and vibrant, and a whole other when she was silent and didn't move.
If I were the one driving, I would constantly look in my rearview mirror for her. If I were in the passenger seat, I would continually turn around to talk to, or check on her.
Many times we made quick stops so one of us would stay in the car with Aviana. After she died, often times, one would have to remind the other that it was okay for the both of us to get out of the car. It's such a strange shift in our family dynamic.
Around the House
If we were cooking, we would constantly look over to make sure Aviana was okay. I would find myself walking over to give her some love, or a kiss. Every time we would do something we knew was likely to cause her a seizure, we would look over to check on her as well.
Aviana was Dave's favorite game day buddy. He claims her favorite team was The Kings...Aviana and I beg to differ. They watched every single game together - she on his lap. And if you're a fan of basketball you know there's a ton of games. Aviana is also a huge 49er fan, and I guess likes some other teams too ; ) Every Game Day, Dave would take her little arm and chant "Fooball! Fooball!' So now…he's stuck with boring ol' Rainey and me, and it's just not the same because we are loud, obnoxious and opinionated ; /
It's a strange thing to never have to shop for the child you've been shopping for since before she was yours. I had to finally go through every list on my phone and delete all items from every store, as they just kept appearing as I was shopping. They were each so very personal to her.
When I used to put Aviana in her wheelchair in the morning, and wait for the bus, I would envision the day when it would one day be empty. This single thought would bring on instant tears and I would hug and cover her face in kisses. I thought the vacant sight would tear my heart to pieces. For some reason, not one of her empty wheels caused me any tears. I think it's because they were the very things that bound her.
Last week, I took her wheelchair and bath seat up to be donated to people in 3rd world countries who are in need. As I was saying goodbye, I started to cry, but it wasn't for the equipment - it was for the people who were always so loving and helpful towards us, and especially Aviana. This week her stroller, her hi/lo chair, and carseat…will all go to a family in need. Yes, it was strange to look over and not see her in them, but moreover we felt happy to no longer see her in need of all this equipment. I was surprised by my reaction to these items - especially given the way I reacted with every thought before she died.
At first it only felt right to shut her door every night at the time she would normally have gone to bed. We would then open her door every morning she would have been awake. That only lasted for one week. Now the door stays opened all the time.
In yoga this past Saturday, I realized I was ready to completely change her room and had a full vision for the transformation. I came home and excitedly ran it all by Dave. He agreed. I'm sure it will be underway sometime in the near future.
Surprisingly, I thought all of the above would have lingered for a very long time, but they didn't. They dissipated fairly fast. The only thing which we tend to forget sometimes is that we can both leave the house to go out at the same time. When Dave says he will be out say Wednesday night, my brain's first reaction is sometimes still that I need to be here for some reason. It's almost a second thought that, I too, have an option to stay or go. It's such a strange concept.
I've always heard of people who've lost a loved one experiencing signs from them after they've passed. I have always believed in this, but I felt I would be a tough sell and it would have to be a pretty significant sign for me to know. I promised to have an open mind and heart though. When Aviana first died, although I felt her physical loss - I still felt unbelievably close to her spiritually. I can't tell you how comforting that was for me. Not only did I feel a warmth and closeness to her, but I was actually seeing signs not only from her, but from both her and Kama. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears, because I wasn't expecting anything.
I honestly feel I have gone on expecting nothing, but the sad part is…I haven't seen or felt anything for what seems like the longest time. She comes to me almost every single night in my dreams, but I have to say…it's definitely different. It's by no means the same. I don't feel the spiritual connection with her I had, and so desperately want back. I know I cannot push for these things, and I won't. I think maybe I have been drifting off lately. Maybe I need to become centered once again. I'm not sure of exactly what it is, but I've been searching. I have so much more to say in connection with Rainey too.