Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Come Back to Me

By nature and at first, we were physically looking everywhere for Aviana. It was one sort of void when she was loud and vibrant, and a whole other when she was silent and didn't move.


If I were the one driving, I would constantly look in my rearview mirror for her. If I were in the passenger seat, I would continually turn around to talk to, or check on her. 


Many times we made quick stops so one of us would stay in the car with Aviana. After she died, often times, one would have to remind the other that it was okay for the both of us to get out of the car. It's such a strange shift in our family dynamic.

Around the House

If we were cooking, we would constantly look over to make sure Aviana was okay. I would find myself walking over to give her some love, or a kiss. Every time we would do something we knew was likely to cause her a seizure, we would look over to check on her as well. 

Game Day

Aviana was Dave's favorite game day buddy. He claims her favorite team was The Kings...Aviana and I beg to differ. They watched every single game together - she on his lap. And if you're a fan of basketball you know there's a ton of games. Aviana is also a huge 49er fan, and I guess likes some other teams too ; ) Every Game Day, Dave would take her little arm and chant "Fooball! Fooball!' So now…he's stuck with boring ol' Rainey and me, and it's just not the same because we are loud, obnoxious and opinionated ; /


It's a strange thing to never have to shop for the child you've been shopping for since before she was yours. I had to finally go through every list on my phone and delete all items from every store, as they just kept appearing as I was shopping. They were each so very personal to her. 


When I used to put Aviana in her wheelchair in the morning, and wait for the bus, I would envision the day when it would one day be empty. This single thought would bring on instant tears and I would hug and cover her face in kisses. I thought the vacant sight would tear my heart to pieces. For some reason, not one of her empty wheels caused me any tears. I think it's because they were the very things that bound her. 

Last week, I took her wheelchair and bath seat up to be donated to people in 3rd world countries who are in need. As I was saying goodbye, I started to cry, but it wasn't for the equipment - it was for the people who were always so loving and helpful towards us, and especially Aviana. This week her stroller, her hi/lo chair, and carseat…will all go to a family in need. Yes, it was strange to look over and not see her in them, but moreover we felt happy to no longer see her in need of all this equipment. I was surprised by my reaction to these items - especially given the way I reacted with every thought before she died.    

Aviana's Room 

At first it only felt right to shut her door every night at the time she would normally have gone to bed. We would then open her door every morning she would have been awake. That only lasted for one week. Now the door stays opened all the time. 

In yoga this past Saturday, I realized I was ready to completely change her room and had a full vision for the transformation. I came home and excitedly ran it all by Dave. He agreed. I'm sure it will be underway sometime in the near future. 


Surprisingly, I thought all of the above would have lingered for a very long time, but they didn't. They dissipated fairly fast. The only thing which we tend to forget sometimes is that we can both leave the house to go out at the same time. When Dave says he will be out say Wednesday night, my brain's first reaction is sometimes still that I need to be here for some reason. It's almost a second thought that, I too, have an option to stay or go. It's such a strange concept. 


I've always heard of people who've lost a loved one experiencing signs from them after they've passed. I have always believed in this, but I felt I would be a tough sell and it would have to be a pretty significant sign for me to know. I promised to have an open mind and heart though. When Aviana first died, although I felt her physical loss - I still felt unbelievably close to her spiritually. I can't tell you how comforting that was for me. Not only did I feel a warmth and closeness to her, but I was actually seeing signs not only from her, but from both her and Kama. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears, because I wasn't expecting anything. 

I honestly feel I have gone on expecting nothing, but the sad part is…I haven't seen or felt anything for what seems like the longest time. She comes to me almost every single night in my dreams, but I have to say…it's definitely different. It's by no means the same. I don't feel the spiritual connection with her I had, and so desperately want back. I know I cannot push for these things, and I won't. I think maybe I have been drifting off lately. Maybe I need to become centered once again. I'm not sure of exactly what it is, but I've been searching. I have so much more to say in connection with Rainey too. 

I know Aviana will come back for me, they both will. They are my girls; they won't leave me to wander this earth without them. They will find their ways - as they already have. They will reach back and pull me through.

I just know it : )



  1. In your dreams of her, is she healthy? Do you wake up crying or do you feel peaceful after having a dream about her? I'm asking because dreams are the worst for me but I know everyone has different reactions to "the dreams".

    I love you and thank you for the text Thursday.

  2. Sweet Jen, I don't know what to say because Ive never experienced what you and your family has in losing a child, a child that had such a great impact on a lot of people, you ,that showed what a true loving mother should be.
    You have gone through so much with the "main" care of Avi , it will take time for your life to feel different.I know that Avi and Kama are looking down on you from there now perfect place. Maybe Avi & Kama are just having too much fun right now, of course they will be back to you , you are going through your very own grieving , take your time and just keep loving like you always have. It has to be so hard to go through this, I cant imagine, my heart breaks for you.
    Love & a great big hug !
    Cindy from nc

  3. I will keep checking in on you, Jen, because I want to see that you are ok. Ok. I'm not sure what that means. We had some large trauma to our family this fall, though nothing like a death. We most definitely saw and felt the hand of God guiding us through, but I learned more first hand what grief and trauma can do to a person. When people ask how I/we are doing, I always say we are doing ok...because we are. But then I wonder what that really means any more. It's a different ok, a new ok, sometimes a very lonely ok, ...but I know by God's grace, we are getting through it. I'm just still learning how to be this different person who, along with our child, has survived one of a parent's greatest fears.
    Nancy in the Midwest

  4. Hi Jen,
    I've been thinking about you a lot and I'm happy to see this new post. I don't really know what to say to everything you wrote except thank you for describing what your days have been like lately, because I know many are concerned. It must be so emotionally hard to adjust to life without Aviana in the house, in the car, and all that you describe. I'm curious to see what you do with her room. I wonder about your dreams of Avi. What are they like? Does she talk in your dreams? or are they like a continuation of what life was like before she passed, you just-another day-around-the-house kind of dream? When my grandmother passed away a few years ago, it hit me really hard because I was super close to her and I had never lost a close family member before. I missed her terribly. One night I had a very vivid dream: I was on her front porch and knocking on the door. She called out that she was coming (it always took her some time to shuffle to the door) and then she opened the door and smiled at me, and I smiled. And in my dream I knew that she had passed and that what I was experiencing at that moment wouldn't last...but I wasn't too sure that she knew that. She was talking to me and her words were, "....and then later today I play cards at the seniors center, and after that I will go to the grocery store...and after that...after that...." and then she looked at me, and it was then that I realized that SHE had just realized that she couldn't stay, that she belonged in Heaven now. And after that moment, no words were spoken out loud, but I heard her voice loud and clear. It was very strange. Her lips were not moving but in my head I heard her voice, "I have to go now" and then I started crying and I said, "No. Don't go." and she smiled and I heard her voice again, "I have to. But I will see you again. And I will always be with you." and as she was speaking that last sentence she tapped her finger to my chest and leaned forward and faded into me, like she just meshed into my body, like a vapor. And then I woke up. That dream gave me such comfort. Sometimes I think our loved ones can visit us in our dreams. I don't know, really...but I'd like to think that they can. I think that my grandma knew that I was hurting and she wanted to comfort me. I hope that Aviana is able to comfort you through your dreams, her and Kama.
    Hugs to you, my friend. I think of you and Aviana ever day.

  5. Hi,
    I found your blog this morning and literally have tears running down my cheeks as I have been reading for over an hour. I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. The pictures of Avi and Kama and amazing and I hope they are up in Heaven playing together right now. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending prayers to your family.

  6. I"m glad you guys are making your way into your new normal. I remember wanting so badly to have good dreams of people that I have loved and lost, just so I could see them and be with them again. I also wondered how she appeared in your dreams, was she still injured or have you seen her physically well. Take care of eachother.

  7. Praying you sense the Lord walking through this season with you. One of the Greek words for the Holy Spirit translates to The Comforter. I hope you sense that.

    Much love,
    Rich & Joyce

  8. I just have to comment as I think of all the pictures you have ever posted....THIS has to be the most moving, amazing picture of you two I have seen. I love, love, love it and cannot look at it without seeing the amazing bond you shared with your sweet girl.

  9. What a beautiful picture. You are all so amazing and strong. She will come back to you.
    She has a lot to do up in heaven, she will come back and forth. Just be open to her signs and you will see them. :) Sending my love!

  10. I can't imagine the millions of adjustments that ya'll have had to make. You will be together again. I have no doubt she is in heaven interceding for you & Dave. I have prayed to her multiple times asking her to pray for me to be more patient with my children. Yes, I'm Catholic. Please don't think I'm weird. :-)