When Aviana took a turn, everything changed. We took her out of school. Dave no longer went to work. We became somewhat stuck like glue. There were a couple days in the beginning where Aviana slept more often than not, but after that, she has been awake most all the time! She stays up until 11 or midnight. Often times, she is up early in the morning. So, we spend all of our time with her. I've written about most things we do. She has been so alert and attentive. Despite the obvious difficulty, it really has been nice. Lately, we've been taking her on walks, and up to the park as well.
For the first six days, I didn't leave the house once. Not because I couldn't, but because I just didn't want to. I wanted to be here every second, if ever she needed me. That's not to say we don't give her space though. We do.
One thing we learned early on is - she absolutely, positively doesn't like when we sleep with her. She doesn't mind if we lay with her at night before bed, or in the morning after she wakes up, but never sleeping with her. It's one of her rules...from the get go. I've got stories from before the accident that would make you laugh, and at the time, made us want to rip our hair out ; ) So...we make sure to let her sleep alone.
After six days, I felt it was time to give her more space, just in case. Even though I didn't want to, I forced myself out the door. Each time, I have this mantra on repeat, "it's about her, not you." You know you're in deep when you grab your brother, go to Target, walk around aimlessly and all you have to show for your trip is a box of Fruity Pebbles and Cookie Crisp. We're talking Target! That's it?! No tiny, little Halloween shirts, and matching leggings. No starry night skirts, perfect for school. I had to slam my eyes shut, just like I will forever.
I am a Night Rider. I go on Night Rides. I leave an hour, to an hour and a half before the stores close. I put my music on blast and crawl into the songs. I have gone three times in the last week, to give her time if she so desires. I walk the stores, for nothing. I talk to Adam, my right hand produce man. I tell him, "I swear, I will be so sad if she dies and I am sitting her at Whole Foods killing time." But the reality is, if that's what she wants, I will find peace in it. I will be fine.
I know the truth, and the truth is a slight slant on that old Stones song - you don't always get what you want, you get what you need. I know she will give me exactly what I need. Somehow, she always does.