I've missed you!
Thank you very much for sharing with me the last time. In you, I was looking for more of me. I'm familiar with where I journey off to in times of need, but I was searching for more. I'm constantly trying to fill the open spaces within my heart. Trying to patch and piece together, and always attempting to make some sort of sense.
At the time of my last post, things were wild. So much has happened, and will continue to. The last time, I was desperate for more. I am on a never-ending journey to further heal this heart of mine. I'm forever in search of ways to have it ((❤)) glow more brightly and beat more fully. In all of this though, I ultimately want calm. I need calm. I do my absolute best to seek calm. In all, I want to feel as at peace as possible. It's possible, right? Right : )
I am forever craving, hanging on peoples' every word, quote, saying, song, anything that has meaning in my life today. I want to see the things I cannot see for myself, and hear what I have not yet heard. Again, in you, I was looking for more of me.
As I read each of your stories, my heart went out in a completely separate way. And even though I wished none of these individual, or collective, things to have happened...they made me realize so many things.
If you have to go through hell, it's much better to go through it together! It's so much better to be able to talk about, share, and come together, than go it alone in a corner by yourself! Dave often wonders why I look for other stories. He thinks I am on the slightly morbid side. Nuh uh. It's because this life can be so lonely in itself. I am an island here in this house, in my town, in what feels like...forever-ness. So I go outward to avoid feeling so alone. And out there, I find all of you amazing people who are willing to share your stories as well. I am so grateful.
We couldn't have ever fathomed. I see it in most every story I read, and every one you shared with me. If we weren't ever pushed to our outermost brink (although we probably sure as hell wouldn't chose to be ; ) we wouldn't have a clue what we are made of. We have all gone so far beyond what we ever thought humanly possible for ourselves, and most importantly, for those we love. Even when we didn't want to, and were kicking and screaming every step of the way...we did it, and continue to. It's truly unbelievable.
There's such beauty in every breakdown. I can't say this enough. I try to think it every time I'm coming undone. Ha Ha! "There will be beauty, there will!...eventually!" I have to pep talk myself through. It's funny, but in it, as awful as it feels...I know this to be true. In so many stories I read and yours too, I see it! It takes a certain kind of person to be able to walk through tragedy, or continue walking through difficult things and see the good all around. And it happens all the time. Because when you've seen the horrific, and you know how bad it can be, and how life can turn on a dime, you know to appreciate the good. You know to take time in the tiny...lounging around in the nest with the family watching Suits, unexpected rain, catching a lizard on a walk, Butch Walker's new EP...so I lie, that's not small, but you see what I'm saying. You suck every ounce of it up, because you know full well that in an instant, it can all be gone too! When you've walked on the other side, you realize how fragile life is, and how insignificant small fights are, if something burns, or breaks, or if the car gets scratched, etc. These things can all be fixed. Lives, brains, and bodies often can't. From what I've seen, every breakdown has a way of pushing us further into knowing what's truly important. Every one gives us a better understanding of ourselves, our surroundings and what our lives are all about. Sometimes, whether we like it, or not...
Compassion and Love. My gosh, it seems anyone who's been through something, or can just empathize, never ceases to amaze me. I was a compassionate and loving person before, but having Aviana in my life for the past 4+ years has taught me an entire other realm of these words. She has been the greatest teacher of my lifetime. But the depths of these definitions...I cannot even begin to describe. I know many of you here can relate. In your words...I felt what I feel. The deepest, most heartfelt compassion, empathy, and love. It starts on the inside and spreads all around. It's one of the most beautiful, priceless, gifts we have to give!
Anyway, I want to apologize for how long it took me to write each of you back. It was so important to me, but in doing so - I really wanted take the time and think about what I wanted to say.
I'm in such a different place today, than when I wrote my last post. There were so many things hanging in the balance before, unresolved. Today I feel much more at ease. All has fallen into place, and a fuller understanding of our path ahead is known. That's not to say the journey will be easy, not at all, but it will be peaceful.
I know, so much more to say...and I will : )