When we adopted you,
I desperately wanted to bond with you,
To love you,
The way I knew I could.
The way your birth mother deserved for you to be loved.
The way your foster mother deserved for you to be loved.
The way you deserved to be loved.
I tried so hard!
But at first,
I finally learned,
You can't make yourself feel something
That's not there.
So I stopped.
Something funny started happening.
It started happening.
You were gone.
The you we knew.
What I always wanted...
Was taken away.
Through years of infertility,
And waiting some more.
And bonding some more.
It was within my grasp.
You and me,
We were finally meant to be.
We were finally within reach.
You were gone.
That was my very first question?
Why when we had come so far?
I watched you fade,
You and me, love.
All we had done,
Was coming undone.
In the mass of a mess,
I took it,
As I sat by your bedside,
All I ever wanted,
Like a tidal wave,
All I was missing,
You were my girl!
The girl I'd lay my life down for.
The girl I would trade places with.
The girl I'd take the full concrete impact for.
The girl I would endure every single of those nine surgeries for.
As the years passed and you've barely recovered,
My mind has gone through serious transitions.
Many of them, quite possibly my own projections.
She's not happy.
What kind of life is this?
She can't run, jump, smile, play, reach, talk, walk, crawl, interact.
You can't respond in ways we're used to.
To an uninjured person,
You might seem unhappy,
I'm not immune.
You fool me too.
But I'm with you all day long,
So if anyone knows, it should be me right?
So if I truly think about it,
I think you're happy.
Your happiness lies in the simple.
You enjoy being
Taken on walks,
When we take your hand and pet Rainey,
Or when Nana sings the "kitty song" from The Big Bang Theory,
When Papa goes crazy cakes in your face,
When you lie on Daddy, and the two of you watch the Kings game,
Or when all four of us are in bed on the weekends.
So when I really sit and think,
You're rarely unhappy.
If I look around,
I see everyone else in unhappy, discontent, or depressed moments more often than you.
You're rarely ever discontent, crying, sad, mad, or anything of the sort.
I begin to wonder if we're all the injured ones, after all?
Sweetie, is that why you sometimes look at us as though we're all kinds of crazy?
'Cause we are?
Honey, from the day this accident happened,
You have been one of our greatest teachers.
You are nothing but
You are the model.
We learn so much from you!
I have it all wrong.
I've had it wrong many times over, my love.
For that, I am sorry.
When I saw how extensive your brain damage was,
I wondered why you made it,
And didn't die.
When the program didn't work, after working our asses off,
I went through a long period of time when I was pissed that you were left a few notches above death. Not dead, but not really alive either. Not dead, but unable to do anything!
And after that, when I had to hear for the umpteenth time, from the umpteenth doctor how bad your brain is, yes again, I thought - well why is she here? If her brain is that bad, but yet we have zero recovery...why?
Do you know how bad these fleeting thoughts make me feel?
Bad! I had to get my head shrunk over them. I felt selfish and disgusting for thinking them of you. Sweet you, who's only trying to survive, to live, to be! I was confused, because if I indeed loved you the way I think, then why was I wishing you dead?
Maggy explained these thoughts weren't selfish, and were because it hurts me deeply for us as a family, but mostly for you! For us to see you like this is agonizing, especially because of who you were, and all you could do before. I wanted to set you free, free from this life, as we've had to watch you endure countless surgeries, endless therapy, and a body that's slowly, but surely breaking down. The truth of the matter is - the deterioration and surgeries will continue on with each passing year.
This all made perfect sense. The guilt over these strong feelings subsided, but resurfaced for a moment when it came down to letting you go again this past March. Baby, life can be rough.
But now I have a different view. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard, but I try to look at you in this new light. I'm hoping to God I'm reading you right, that I'm seeing you clearly, and as you see your world?
Honey, I want you to know - I finally know why you are here.
I know why you were spared that day.
I know why you didn't die.
I know why you survived.
I love that you're here.
I don't want you to go anywhere.
I love you so much.
I don't care that you can't do anything.
You do all that you need to.
You are everything you need to be,
In your short life, you've taught people more than some will ever teach in all their years.
I thank you my little.
You've made me all I ever wanted.
With you, I wasn't proud of who I was before.
What if this never happened?
And you and I walked this whole life together,
Never fully arriving where we are today?
That would've been a far greater tragedy than this ever was.
Because if you died that day in June,
I would have died too.
Because I would never have been able to prove to you,
Or your birth mother,
Or your foster mother,
That I could love you, like you deserve to be loved.