Sorry, my body and brain have been consumed in many ways. I didn't mean to be gone so long, but every time I sat down to write ~ I thought...not now, later.
I have so much to say, but can't seem to get the words out. It's like they all make perfect sense up top, but down here....not so much. Not yet anyway.
As for Gary, the reason I haven't updated is ~ everything came so perfectly full circle. His situation. Our situation with Aviana. The realization that bonked me up side the head one day. The one I have spent entirely too long trying to tell you about. It all came twisting together into a perfectly wrapped little bow. A bow around a package I so desperately wanted to deliver to you in a more beautiful fashion, than what I have been feeling lately.
So I apologize for being gone indefinitely. It was not my intention. Gary, and all of us to some extent and at some point or another, have all been thrown for a loop by this. But he has been high on the anxiety, but doing his best to keep it at bay, as he knows there is not much of anything he can do about it.
Thank you so much though for all of your thoughts for our family. As always, we love and appreciate you!
I'll try and gather my thoughts soon though and write more. But before I get to that, I hope you don't mind taking a trip into the Birthday Blues with me. I have done the best I have ever done since the accident, but I can outrun no more, whomever they are, they have caught me, and caught me good.
Do you remember those awfully fake looking, sounding, ghoulish creatures in the movie Ghost? It's like when they come to get the bad dude and take him away...well, they got me. I am a drippy mess. I can't stop crying. I cry here. I cry there. I cry everywhere. I don't want Aviana to see me so I leave the room, or cry into her hair, but she knows, because she ends up soaking wet.
"Uh Mama ~ why does it feel like I just got out of the bath?"
I just have to get through 3 more days.
Isn't it just the saddest thing? That dates don't matter to me all year long, but even if I don't pay any attention to the calendar, my internal subconscious just knows to feel doom and gloom against my will? And how awful, and sad...that my girl's birthday just so happens to be the absolute saddest day of the year for me!!
Y O Y O Y