I have been working on this post for a while. It has been a little hard for me to articulate, but here's the bottom line...
If I look closely, I am constantly projecting on Aviana.
Constantly, constantly, constantly.
I don't mean to, I just do.
I am trying to stop.
When I look at a fish in a bowl, why do I not project on it?
Because a fish is a fish, and a fish does what a fish is supposed to do.
When I look at Rainey, why don't I project on her? She doesn't talk.
Because a dog is a dog, and a dog does what a dog is supposed to do.
So, it makes perfect sense as to why I project on Aviana.
She is a kid, why do I project on her?
Because a kid is a kid, and Aviana does not do what a kid is supposed to do.
I inadvertently project on her. I don't want to. I don't mean to. I just do. It is hard to wrap your mind around something that is not as it should be. Pretty much everyone else, at slightly varying degrees, are as they should be. I am. You are. Your kid probably is. Very few, in the grand scheme of things, are not that 'typical' way. Very few cannot support the weight of their own head. Very few can't speak one single word. Very few can't reach for an object. Very few cannot move from their back. Very few are in diapers at 5 years old. Very few cannot smile or laugh. Very few have 2000/1000 vision on top of all the rest. These things make it very hard to accept or come to terms.
When I look at Aviana, I am looking at her through my eyes. This is very dangerous. I am looking at her with the very same eyes who have experienced a truly amazing life filled with: holidays, birthdays, running through the forest, baking cookies, building forts, running down the hill and spending the day floating around on a raft with my cousin, best friends, crank calls, slumber parties, boyfriends, driving for the very first time, becoming more independent, working, graduation, the whole college experience, setting my own goals and achieving them, finding a good man, properly expressing my wants and needs while listening to his too, marrying him, buying a house together, decorating the house, trips with just the two of us, wakeboarding, snowboarding, adopting a child, etc, etc.
The list goes on and on. Because Aviana is the way she is, she will probably never be able to experience the majority of these things. We also, will never experience these very exciting things through her. Don't get me wrong, we will have experiences with her, but I am wondering how to learn to see through her eyes, instead of my own. The two are vastly different, a world apart, if you will.
At first I didn't really realize I was doing it. It became pretty clear after the first year, and now I am pretty cognizant. I have been trying desperately to stop myself. I am creating my own unhappiness, because I do think Aviana is just fine. She is content for majority of the day. She doesn't seem to get bored. She's never in pain. She is happy when we are loving her and holding her. She is good to go. It is me that is not. It is me that creates unnecessary havoc.
The Beatles famously sang, "All You Need is Love." And I always believed it, and still do. But now I am second guessing myself, at my core and when it really comes down to it, do I really believe that is all you need? My mind says yes, but some of my actions say no....
If everything seems to be fine by her, why can't that be enough? Sometimes I feel it is, but most times I feel it will never be enough.