Tonight I had monster ambition! Presents be wrapped! Yes! I'm already behind and Dave is out for the night so I figured I would put the music on blast and Rainey and I would do our thang ; ) Dave even started last night while Amy and I were out and about. I hauled half the mass stack out, and now...it sits. Kinda like someone else I know (no, not Rainey! Come on, no thumbs! She can't work the scissors). My desk, iTunes, and YouTube whisper my name. It starts off faint and grows louder until I drop whatever it is I should be doing and respond.
My mind is not my own. It's off in outer space. In the last week especially, my path has lead straight to Aviana. I'm not exactly sure why this week. Maybe because I've been dreaming of her every single night for the past week? I have always dreamt in stereo, so my dreams have been so vivid that I wake every morning with an equally vibrant memory and headache to boot. Maybe because we just miss her more this week? Maybe because we have finally settled from the marathon of our lives? Maybe the holidays? Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. She's just more on our minds, and in our hearts…if that's possible.
With her being in my head and heart, I've been reverting back. Her memorial video was one of the most diffilcult things I believe we will ever have worked through. I feel like a glutton for punishment when I continue to watch it again? Could our our whole life with her really have come and gone? Could it really be over? I've also gone back through a few times and looked at all the pictures of the entire time Aviana was dying. I've studied the progression, watched it happen in photo form. I know it really happened, but it's as if I need to see it all again. As if that weren't real enough to me as we were going through? I think I want to view it from an outsider looking in this time. I've also felt the need to open my nightstand drawer where her and Kama's ashes sit side by side - as they should - and look at them. It's as though I am manually connecting the wires. I have to feel it all. Absorb everything. No matter how painful. No matter if it makes me cry. Causes my head to hurt. I don't care. For some reason, I am the kid who's just got to touch the hot stove. I need to feel the fire, actually burn my hand.
What's strange is, I felt we already walked the coals for the past 4.5 years, especially in the last months. I guess it's all part of the process. So much fun to be had, by all.
Dave and I sit back and just can't quite believe we are full circle - back where we started, but so much different. It's surreal. It's amazing. It's actually unbelievable. We shake our heads. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we just stare at each other.
What I know for sure is - I'm grateful for all the support we've always been given along the way. We are so lucky to have some of the best family members, friends, and people such as you, whom we have never met, but continue to give. My heart, so full.
Mostly, there are no words for how lucky I am to have traveled this life with Dave, Kama, Zoe, Aviana and Rainey. They have been my light, and light…always counteracts the dark.
I used to feel this song heavily after the accident. Our family wasn't truly at ease. Now, thankfully it's different. I still feel it because we lost our girl, but in place of a restless heart, peace presides. Nothing can take that away from us.
So after I feel the feelings of the song, my heart has a refreshing new place to land. I usually end up somewhere such as this...
My friend Summer graciously agreed to read a poem I found for Aviana's memorial service.
She is Gone
You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn you back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
~ David Harkins